


with all the changes you've been through (it seems the stranger's always you)

by lco123



Series: Wicked Little Town: An "Ezra is A" AU [4]
Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ezra is A, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2017-04-30
Packaged: 2018-10-20 10:16:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10660482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lco123/pseuds/lco123
Summary: Mona frowns, looking at her carefully. Like Hanna is a puzzle and Mona’s made it her mission to put the missing piece in its proper place.Then she smiles, as though she's found it.Part 3 of my "Ezra is A" AU. Alison's return makes Hanna start questioning who she is. Mona might have a few answers.





	1. November

**Author's Note:**

> And now we come to the Vandermarin section of my 4b/5a "Ezra is A" AU! Again, this can probably be read individually, but it may be helpful to read the prologue to this series. I'll let you know if sections from the other stories in the series will become more relevant as we go along.
> 
> Also, a heads-up: Hanna will be dealing with some body image issues in this story. If that is triggering for you, please proceed with caution.

Emily calls her, after.

“I just saw Alison,” she says, her voice quivering slightly. “She’s—she’s really here. In the flesh. To stay.”

“We were going to go together,” Hanna says. She’s not mad that Emily went—she understands why, completely—but the knowledge that Emily has already seen Ali makes everything super real, all of a sudden.

“I couldn’t wait.”

“It’s not a dream?” Hanna asks, which is ridiculous, but Emily will get it.

“No,” Emily confirms. “Not a dream. Ali’s back. You should go see her, tomorrow. Mrs. D. wants us to visit one at a time.”

“I will,” Hanna promises. Just saying the words makes her stomach all weird and sloshy, like how it feels right before she takes a test she hasn’t studied for.

“Tell me how it goes,” Emily instructs, her tone sounding extra Mama Bear in Spencer’s absence.

“I’ll be fine,” Hanna states, not entirely believing it.

“Han,” Emily says softly. “It’s intense, believe me. Please. You’re going to want to process this. Call me.” It’s a funny thing for Emily to say, considering that she’s barely told Hanna anything about her own interaction with Alison.

Still, Hanna agrees. The next morning she skips first period (“Cramps,” she lies to her mom, and Ashley merely pats her hand and says, “Tell Alison I hope she’s doing okay.”) and drives to the DiLaurentis house, noting the single cop car parked in the driveway.

Mrs. D. answers the door, giving Hanna a look that might mean she’s happy to see her or might mean she’s bothered by the intrusion; Hanna can’t really tell. All the same, she ushers Hanna inside, and there, standing in the kitchen drinking a cup of tea, is Alison.

Hanna gasps when she sees her, she can’t help it, and Ali crosses the room in a few brisk steps, hugging Hanna tightly. “I’m so glad you’re here,” Ali tells her.

“Me too,” Hanna replies, honestly. “I mean, I’m glad you’re here, too. Are you okay?”

Alison shrugs. “I will be. It’s strange being back.”

“I bet,” Hanna murmurs. Her brain is swirling, just being in the same space as Ali. She can’t imagine what it’s like for Ali, hurtling out of the shadows and back into her own life so suddenly.

Alison puts a hand on her elbow. Her eyes look huge and sorrowful. “I’m sorry,” she says. “For everything I put you through. All of you, but especially you.”

The comment makes Hanna think about Mona, fleetingly. After they found out she was A, Emily told Hanna about a conversation between the two of them, before. 

 _“Oh honey,_ ” Mona had said when Emily apologized for Alison’s bullying. _“That was, like, two personalities ago.”_

Hanna shakes her head, pushing the thought away. “Don’t worry about it,” she replies, unconvincingly.

If Alison sees through her response, she doesn’t let on. “You probably have questions for me.”

She does, but they don’t seem important now. “I’ll leave that for Spencer. She has enough for all of us, I’m sure.”

Alison nods. There’s something behind her eyes, like she like she doesn’t have all the words for what she wants to say. Not a usual Ali problem. But Hanna knows the feeling, so she studies the lines of Ali’s face instead. Alison looks older, but not in that sophisticated Vivian Darkbloom way. More like, she’s seen some things she can’t forget.

Hanna probably looks that way, too.

“Don’t you have school?” Ali finally asks.

“Oh, I skipped. To come see you,” Hanna tells her. She feels oddly embarrassed to admit that, as though it makes her seem overly eager, or something. Which is a totally dumb thought, considering everyone literally thought Ali was dead a few weeks ago, but still. Nobody can make Hanna feel insecure the way Alison can.

“You shouldn’t do that,” Ali murmurs. “You’re a smart girl, and your education is important.”

Hanna rolls her eyes. Leave it to Alison to make a compliment feel vaguely like an insult. “If I’m so smart, doesn’t that mean I shouldn’t have to go to school?” she points out.

Alison smirks in reply, perhaps a bit pleased with the pushback. “You know it doesn’t. Go get educated.”

“You’re coming back, right?”

“To school?”

“Yeah,” Hanna says, though that doesn’t feel like exactly what she meant.

“Of course I am. In a few weeks.” 

Ali’s tone isn’t unkind, but Hanna hears an edge, anyway. Maybe she’s just looking for the cutting remarks and crushing criticisms behind Ali’s innocuous statements. Maybe after everything, it’s the only way she knows how to communicate with Alison.

“I’ll go,” Hanna tells her. Ali nods, once, looking relieved, though whether she’s glad to be getting her way or glad that Hanna is leaving, Hanna isn’t sure. “But I’ll check in later.”

“Please do,” Ali says softly. She walks Hanna to the door, and like a witch, Mrs. D. appears seemingly out of nowhere.

“So nice of you to stop by, Hanna,” Mrs. D. tells her. Her eyes narrow as she regards Hanna and Alison, standing side by side. “My, my. You two could be twins.” Hanna doesn’t miss the look she shoots at Ali. “It certainly didn’t used to be that way, did it?”

“Mom,” Alison says sternly, but Hanna’s already out the door, calling goodbye behind her shoulder.

She hustles back to her car and drives to the next block. She needs to just sit for a moment, but she wants to do so out from under Alison and Mrs. D.’s scrutiny. She takes a few deep breaths, thinking about everything she’s overcome to get here.

Hanna’s about to start the car when her phone rings. Emily. Probably calling to check in. Or maybe Ali has already gotten ahold of her, telling Em that Hanna acted weird or wrong, somehow. Hanna wouldn’t be surprised if they were already back to keeping secrets.

Old habits have a tendency to die hard.

Hanna declines the call and starts driving home.

_“If Alison’s really gone, someone has to take her place.”_

_“What do you mean, ‘If she’s really gone?’”_

_“Do you want to know a secret?”_

_“What secret?”_

_“The secret to becoming unforgettable.”_

\--

It’s weird, and hard to describe, because in one way nothing has changed, but in another, it feels like _everything_ has. Alison isn’t back in school yet—she’s waiting until the beginning of December to make her grand debut—but Spencer and Aria are, and so is Emily. A is gone, which means that Ezra is gone, so theoretically everything should feel relatively normal. Or, whatever normal was like before a cyberstalker took over their lives.

And yet, nothing does. Alison’s return has left Hanna feeling odd and off-kilter, uncomfortable in a way she can’t totally articulate. She starts having nightmares about turning back into Hefty Hanna, getting bigger and bigger but somehow still being invisible. In another dream, Caleb comes back and asks her to run away with him, but her feet get stuck to the floor and she can’t move. “I know you want to kiss me,” he coos, leaning closer, but then at the last second his face turns into Mona’s.

Hanna always wakes up right before they kiss.

She wants to talk to her friends, but she doesn’t even know what to say. And besides, they all have their own stuff to deal with: Aria is still grieving her incredible fucked up relationship, Spencer is coping with her own breakup and the aftermath of rehab, Emily is internally spinning with Alison back again—even if she won’t admit it. It’s not like Hanna is going to confide in Alison. Or Travis, who stopped trying to make something happen after she didn’t text him back for the tenth time.

One day Hanna is rounding the corner into the school courtyard—not exactly ignoring her friends, but not seeking them out either—when she overhears Mona talking to Paige near the vending machines. 

“I’m not suggesting an army,” Mona is saying in a hushed tone, “but it wouldn’t kill us to prepare a bit. C’mon, McCullers. Where’s your fighter instinct?”

Hanna stays still, listening closely.

“I’m trying to move on,” Paige replies, sounding a bit unnerved. “Why can’t you do the same?”

“This isn’t about moving on,” Mona says fiercely. “This is about self-preservation. Preparedness never hurt anyone. Don’t you remember what she used to call you?”

“Of course I do,” Paige murmurs. “But I’m sorry, Mona. I’m not with you here.”

“Fine. I won’t twist your arm. But when Ali starts throwing around names like Pigskin, don’t expect an ally in me.” With that Mona turns on her heel. Hanna tries to move away in time, but Mona gets around the corner before she can, and they nearly bump into each other.

Mona’s scowl twists into a half-annoyed smirk. “What’s up, girly girl?”

“What are you planning?” Hanna asks, trying to inject some intimidation into her voice.

Mona crosses her arms. “How much of that did you hear?”

“Enough.”

“Are you going to tell Alison?”

Hanna shakes her head, automatically, and Mona’s smirk starts to look less annoyed. “I’m just trying to prepare myself,” Mona tells her.

Hanna swallows, looking down, because she can relate to that. Maybe a little too much. “Okay.”

Mona looks at her steadily, as though expecting another comment or question. When she doesn’t get one, she glances around. “What’s with the duck and cover routine? Shouldn’t you be enjoying Taco Tuesday with the Scooby Gang?” she remarks.

Hanna shrugs. “I guess I’m doing my own thing today.”

Mona clearly doesn’t buy Hanna’s attempt to be casual. “What’s going on with you?”

There are questions on the tip of Hanna’s tongue, questions about why Mona picked her, groomed her, transformed her like Cinderella into Ali 2.0. Hanna’s been so full of questions ever since Alison got back, and she’s starting to realize that Mona might be the one who can answer them.

But the words die in the back of her throat. Hanna doesn’t know if she’d get the truth or a lie from Mona. She’s not even sure which one she's looking for.

“Nothing’s going on with me. I’m just thinking about my math homework,” Hanna tells her. A lie. Not even a good one. 

Mona frowns, looking at her carefully. Like Hanna is a puzzle and Mona’s made it her mission to put the missing piece in its proper place. 

Then she smiles, as though she's found it. “I know what you need.”

“What’s that?”

Mona reaches forward, curling her finger around a lock of Hanna’s hair. The action makes Hanna inhale, sharply. She hasn’t been this physically close to Mona since…well, probably since they nearly kissed on the Halloween train.

Mona grins widely. “A makeover.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BTW, some dialogue is taken from 2x19, 5x03 and 5x04.


	2. December

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy PLL day! Hope you enjoy the next (incredibly long) chapter.

“Stop messing with it,” Mona chides. “If you keep touching your hair like that, you’re going to have to start washing it twice a day.”

Hanna self-consciously drops her hand back into her lap. She doesn’t know how Mona notices everything, even when she’s driving. The two of them are on their way back from the mall. It's their third trip there in two weeks.

Hanna pulls her compact out of her purse and stares at her hair in the mirror, rather than touching it. The black streaks aren’t over the top, but she can't help feeling like she looks so different. “I’m having a hard time getting used to them,” she tells Mona. 

Mona makes a noise in the back of her throat like she understands. “You can always change again. Nothing’s set in stone.”

“Aria likes it,” Hanna mentions.

Mona briefly takes her eyes off the road, smirking at Hanna. “I’m not sure if that’s a good thing. Aria regularly dresses like Beetlejuice's shorter, more manic cousin.”

Hanna smiles, just a little. There’s a comfort in chatting with Mona about fashion and hair, like they used to, as opposed to the latest mystery. “How’s Mike?” she asks on a whim.

Mona’s expression tightens again. “You’ll have to ask him that,” she replies coolly.

“Did you guys break up?”

“After Ezra died,” Mona answers. “Mike had questions and I just…I didn’t want him to get mixed up in everything. He’s a sweet guy.” She shakes her head. “Too sweet for me, probably.”

Hanna considers that. Mike _is_ a sweet guy, he always has been. But he and Mona never seemed quite right. “You shouldn’t be with someone sweet,” she says after a moment.

Mona’s hands visibly tighten on the steering wheel. “Thank you for that charming compliment.”

“No, I didn’t mean it like that,” Hanna corrects. “I mean, you shouldn’t be with someone who’s _just_ sweet. You should be with someone…complicated, and incredible.”

“Oh,” Mona says softly. “Well, there’s certainly no shortage of complicated in Rosewood.”

“Yeah,” Hanna agrees. She studies Mona’s face, trying to read what she might be feeling, but Mona keeps staring straight at the road ahead.

\--

Alison isn’t trying to be difficult, but it doesn’t matter; everything is harder with her back in school. Most students start doing this awkward dance of both avoiding and gawking at them, making Hanna feel like some kind of freakish animal at a zoo. Maybe one of those horrifying reptiles at Ambrose Pavilion, getting more and more agitated as people bang on her glass prison.

Alison wants them all to be united, because of course she does. She might be marginally changed—she isn’t calling anyone mean names, yet—but she still wants to be in charge. She still walks around with that Queen Bee smile that makes Hanna want to hurl, or skip lunch altogether.

Hanna loves Ali, she does, but she has also never hated herself more than when they were together.

If Ali notices that Hanna’s acting distant, she doesn’t say anything. In fact, she seems mostly focused on keeping Emily close by, which hasn't gone unnoticed by Hanna. So when Alison calls out to Hanna one day as she’s leaving school, asking for her to wait up, Hanna shuts her eyes briefly and wills the interaction to be over quickly.

“What’s up?” Hanna asks.

“I just wanted to check in,” Alison tells her mildly. “I’ll be over around six.”

Hanna frowns. “What? When did we make plans?”

“We didn’t,” Ali replies in a tone of voice that suggests Hanna might be an idiot. “Our moms arranged it. I’m staying at your house this week. I assumed she told you.”

Hanna sighs, heavily. “No, she didn’t. Why are you staying at my house?”

Alison raises an eyebrow. “Because my mom has to go out of town and she doesn’t want me staying home alone.”

“Can’t you stay with someone else?”

“ _No_ ,” Ali says firmly. “My mom’s not about to let me stay with the Hastings, and I don’t really want to see Byron Montgomery’s face every morning.”

“What about Emily’s house?” Hanna asks.

Alison squares her shoulders, taking an annoyed-sounding breath. “Why are you being so weird about this?”

“I’m not,” Hanna insists, unconvincingly. “I’m just surprised, that’s all.”

“Well, you better get over your surprise,” Ali says, “because arrangements have been made. I’ll see you at six.” With that Alison turns on her heel, marching off toward her car.

Hanna scowls as she stomps toward her own car. Her mom is home when she gets there, unpacking groceries.

“Hey, honey,” Ashley greets. “How was your day?”

“Why didn’t you tell me Ali is staying with us?” she asks in reply.

Ashley closes the refrigerator, a dawning expression on her face. “Oh, Han, it completely slipped my mind!” she says apologetically. “I’m sorry. Jessica asked last week but I just got so caught up with work. I should have told you. It’s not a big deal though, right? Alison used to sleep over all the time.”

“This isn’t a sleepover,” Hanna points out. “She’s staying for a week.”

“In the guest room,” Ashley tells her. “It’s not like you two have to share a bed. Besides, it seems kind of nice. Like a girls’ week.”

Hanna crosses her arms. “We already have that, Mom. All the time with you and me.”

Ashley sighs. “Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. But I really can’t get into this right now. I have to do some more work for Jessica, and I want to have dinner ready before Alison comes over.”

“You’re making dinner?”

Ashley nods. “Just stir-fry with chicken. I thought it might be nice for Alison.”

 _For Alison._ Hanna’s stomach starts to slosh again. The idea of sitting at the table eating dinner with her mom and Alison, watching them laugh over Ali’s probably false anecdotes from the last two years, feeling Ali’s eyes track every bite Hanna brings to her lips…

It sounds unbearable.

“I’m staying at Emily’s tonight,” Hanna announces.

“Hanna!” Ashley calls, following her into the foyer, but Hanna already has one hand on the door.

“And for the record, it might be nice if you cooked for _me_ , sometime,” she adds harshly.

She slams the door before she can hear her mom’s response.

\--

Hanna doesn’t drive to Emily’s house. She drives around town for a while, ignoring three calls from her mom, and then she drives to Mona’s.

By the time she gets there it’s nearly dark. Mona’s car is in the driveway but her mom’s isn’t.

 _Good_. Hanna isn’t sure if she can deal with any more parental figures today.

Mona looks genuinely surprised when she sees Hanna, which is an odd look on Mona, nowadays. “Come in,” she says immediately. “Have you had dinner?”

“I’m not hungry,” Hanna lies.

Mona ignores her, leading Hanna into the kitchen and already starting to fix her a plate. “C’mon, my mom made that enchilada pie you love,” she urges.

“Isn’t that thing loaded with calories?”

Mona shrugs, offering Hanna a plate and a smile. “I won’t tell if you won’t.”

Hanna relents, because the food smells amazing, and she sits down beside Mona at the table in the kitchen. She’s always loved Mona’s kitchen. Like most things about Mona’s house, it’s cozier than it has any right to be.

Hanna digs into her meal, realizing as soon as she starts eating just how famished she is. Mona finishes the last of her meal, then watches Hanna. Not in a way that bothers her, though. Not like Alison would.

“What are you reading?” Hanna asks once she’s set her fork down, nodding toward the thick book sitting next to Mona.

“ _A Midsummer Night’s Dream_ ,” Mona replies. “I was in the mood for a comedy.”

Hanna chuckles, just slightly. “You consider that a comedy?”

“A classic.” Mona smiles.

“You and Spencer really have a lot in common,” Hanna comments. Mona doesn’t say anything, but Hanna can only imagine what she thinks about that.

Hanna leans back in her chair. “I don’t know why I came here,” she says quietly. “I just started driving, and then here I was.”

Mona looks at her knowingly. “Alison being back changes everything, doesn’t it?”

Hanna nods. “You could say that again.”

“I’m keeping my distance for now,” Mona states. “But Hanna, I’m telling you, if she tries something, I am going to protect myself.”

“I don’t think she wants to start anything. I think she just wants to get back to normal.”

Mona scoffs. “Her version of normal has never been good for me. Or you, for that matter.”

Hanna swallows. She knows it’s the truth. But hearing another person verbalize it makes it seem almost too real. “Can I stay here tonight?” she asks.

Mona takes a beat to react, before smoothly replying, “Of course. I probably still have the bunny pajamas you liked to wear stuffed somewhere in the back of my closet.” 

“Thanks,” Hanna says, grateful. She helps Mona clean up dinner and they switch back to talking about things that aren’t really important, like the latest fashion trends and Principal Hackett’s sweaty forehead and the rumor that Sean Ackard and Holden Strauss slept together last summer.

“Shut up!” Hanna exclaims when Mona reveals that particular nugget.

“My sources tell me it’s true,” Mona confirms, handing Hanna a wet dish to dry. “Whatever, like it’s a huge surprise. It’s not like he ever showed an interest in sleeping with _you_.”

Hanna flushes automatically. “I always figured that had more to do with me than him.”

Mona rolls her eyes, lightly smacking at Hanna’s hip to get her to move aside. “Trust me, it wasn’t you.”

Hanna wants to ask a followup question but Mona swiftly moves on, asking if Hanna thinks Cindy and Mindy date one boy at the same time. Before Hanna knows it they’ve cleaned up and gossiped about nearly everyone in school, and she realizes she’s exhausted.

She follows Mona upstairs, accepts the spare toothbrush Mona hands her and the familiar pajamas Mona takes a suspiciously short amount of time to locate. Hanna climbs in bed beside Mona, surprised by how not weird this feels. Almost like coming home.

She starts to drift off, her mind swirling with images of Alison and Mona, the beginnings of a dream. “Mona?” she says suddenly, rousing herself from her almost-sleep.

“Hmm?”

“Why’d you do it?”

“Do what?”

Hanna props herself up on her elbow so she can see Mona. The lights are still off, and Mona is bathed in shadow. “Why did you turn me into Ali? I mean, you hated her. But you wanted her back.”

Mona is quiet for a long time, and if Hanna couldn’t see her eyes she might think she had fallen asleep. But then Mona says, “There was an opportunity for us, and I took it. But…”

“But what?”

Mona turns her head to face Hanna. “The line between hate and love is very thin. Thinner than people think.”

“So you loved Ali?”

“No,” Mona says softly. “I didn’t love _Ali._ ” She rolls toward the window, so all Hanna can see is her silhouetted form against the darkness.

“Go to sleep, Hanna.”

\--

The week passes without incident, but that’s mostly because Hanna does a good job of avoiding both her mom and Alison. She doesn’t want to talk to either of them, doesn’t want to hash out what she’s going through or why she’s upset. Ashley and Alison seem to get along fine, laughing it up just like Hanna imagined, and that’s all the confirmation she needs that keeping to herself is the right thing to do.

Avoiding Alison turns into avoiding her friends, but right now it feels like a trade Hanna is willing to make. Winter break is approaching, which means no school and therefore, no forced interactions. Her days will be free to do whatever she wants. Or see whomever she wants.

She hasn’t told anyone about Mona, because she doesn’t know exactly what’s going on between them. A renewal of their friendship, maybe, but she's sure that if she tried to explain it, her friends would pepper her with a million question. Questions Hanna doesn’t have the answers for right now.

Christmas comes and goes—Hanna’s never been much for holiday spirit—and suddenly it’s almost the new year. Hanna lies and says she has plans when Spencer asks what they all want to do. Or at least she thinks it’s a lie, until a day later when Mona calls her.

“I thought you were more of a fan of texting,” Hanna says by way of greeting.

“Ha, ha, very funny,” Mona replies lightly. “Cancel your New Year’s Eve plans. We’re going to a party.”

“Why?” Hanna asks.

“Because you have spent the last month moping around and hiding from everyone,” Mona tells her. “And it’s time to shake it off.”

“Isn’t that a Taylor Swift song?”

“She doesn’t own the phrase. I’ll text you the details.” Mona hangs up before Hanna can ask more questions, and her text doesn’t provide much more illuminating information, only that this party is at a location Hanna has never been to. 

Not that she has to worry about getting there, because Mona picks her up on New Year’s Eve, looking fabulous in a bedazzled black jumpsuit and huge earrings. So fabulous, in fact, that Hanna feels underdressed in her short silver dress and pleather jacket.

“What are you talking about?!” Mona says good-naturedly when Hanna voices her concern. “You look incredible.”

They drive for a long time, out of Rosewood and toward Brookhaven. Finally Mona pulls up outside an unassuming gray house with a white picket fence. “Who lives here?” Hanna asks as they get out of the car.

“Just someone I know,” Mona replies.

“From school?”

Mona shakes her head.

“From Radley?” Hanna says it mostly as a joke, but Mona’s silence tells her everything. “Oh great.”

“He’s a really cool guy,” Mona assures her. “And he’s on the right meds now. Just give it a chance! It beats doing keg stands with frat boys at the Kahn cabin.”

Well, that’s true, Hanna has to admit. The group inside is pretty mild-mannered, in comparison. Lots of creative types, the kind of people that Hanna imagines would occupy a liberal arts college. 

“Is everyone here from Radley?” Hanna whispers as she takes a look around.

Mona shoots her a look. “No. Institutionalized people _can_ have non-institutionalized friends, y’know.”

Hanna nods, feeling a little chagrined. “Right. Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Mona dismisses. “Why don’t you go mingle?”

Hanna doesn’t particularly want to leave Mona’s side, but she’s guessing Mona would like to chat with her friends, so she makes her way to the drinks table, where a tall, lanky guy in this early twenties is pouring champagne into fancy flutes.

“Hi,” she says to him. “Are you the host?”

“Yeah,” he replies with a smile. “I’m Jerrod. And you must be Hanna.” Hanna frowns at his recognition and he explains, “Mona told me she was bringing you, and I saw you two walk in together.”

Hanna nods, wondering what else Mona has told him about her. “Do you know Mona well?”

“Not that well,” Jerrod answers, handing her a champagne flute. “She’s something special, though.”

“You can say that again,” Hanna says. She chats with Jerrod for a few more minutes before he has to move on to other guests. Hanna lingers around the drinks station, talking with a couple of other people but mostly keeping an eye on Mona, at the other end of the room. Hanna can tell by the way she’s moving her hands that she’s telling a story, and her audience is totally captivated. Mona seems so confident, completely in her element here.

Time seems to pass slowly, and Hanna finds herself growing weary of all the new faces. Finally Mona comes back over. “You’re having a terrible time, aren’t you?” she asks, lightly bumping Hanna’s shoulder.

“Not terrible,” Hanna replies, considering finishing off her drink before setting it down instead. “It’s just that I don’t really know anyone here.”

“You know _me_.”

Hanna nods. Maybe that’s it. “Yeah, I do. I kind of wish it was only you and me here.”

Mona bites down on a smile. “Okay.” She checks her phone. “We’ve got less than an hour until midnight. I have an idea.”

They say a quick goodbye to Jerrod and then Mona leads them back to her car. “I’m sorry about that,” she says as they drive away. “I just thought it might be nice to get out of Rosewood for the night.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Hanna promises. “I’m glad we came.” She can’t quite explain it, but it was sort of cool to see Mona like that. She wasn’t being anybody but herself, and yet everybody wanted to be her friend.

Hanna wishes she knew what that felt like.

They drive in silence, and at first Hanna thinks Mona might not have a destination in mind, but eventually she pulls over to a small clearing. “It might be too cold to get out,” she says softly. “But if we do, we can see the whole town from here.”

Hanna shrugs. “I don’t mind being cold.” She gets out of the car and peers out, and there below them is Rosewood, lit up like a perfect little town from a movie. “Wow,” she breathes. “It looks so small from here.”

“Quaint, almost,” Mona offers.

“Yeah.” 

Mona sits down on the hood of the car and Hanna follows suit. It _is_ cold out here, but she doesn’t really mind. It’s nice to be outside. Hanna feels like she can breathe more fully.

Mona glances down at her phone. “It’s almost midnight,” she reports.

“Do you have any resolutions?” Hanna asks, not sure what kind of answer to expect.

“Resolutions just make people feel hopeful about the things they don’t have the courage to accomplish,” Mona says. “Just because the year has changed doesn’t mean you have.”

“I don’t know. I like the idea of a blank slate,” Hanna muses. 

“I do too,” Mona murmurs. “But people don’t get those.” Her eyes look a tiny bit watery, as she gazes out at the view, so Hanna takes her hand, intertwining their fingers.

Mona’s gaze snaps to Hanna, then down at their clasped hands. She clears her throat and reaches for her phone again. “It’s 11:59. I wish I’d thought to bring champagne.”

“You usually think of everything,” Hanna replies cheekily.

Mona smiles and lifts her free hand as though she’s holding an invisible cup. “What should we toast to?” she asks Hanna.

Hanna lifts her own invisible cup, mulling for a second before deciding, “To fresh starts.”

Mona’s smile softens a little, and she nods, repeating, “To fresh starts.”

A green firework streaks across the sky, illuminating the buildings below. Mona checks her phone again. “It’s midnight,” she announces. “Happy New Year.”

“Happy New Year,” Hanna echoes.

And then, for reasons she can’t quite explain, she closes the distance between them and presses a kiss to Mona’s lips.


	3. January

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! At some point (hopefully soon) I will post an epilogue to this series. I've had so much fun writing Vandermarin!
> 
> Also, this chapter references a conversation between Emily and Hanna in Chapter 3, January, of _and now i understand (how much i took from you)_ This chapter will make much more sense if you read that one.

Hanna doesn’t know what she’s doing, because she didn’t plan to kiss Mona, and in fact she’s never kissed a girl before. But Mona seems to know—she’s always so sure of what she’s doing, has always been able to sense what Hanna needs before Hanna herself is even certain—and she takes the lead, cupping Hanna’s face and kissing her back, gently but firmly. If Mona was surprised by the kiss she doesn’t show it, so Hanna follows suit, twisting to get a better angle, trying to kiss Mona with the confidence that Hanna has observed and admired in her all night.

It feels wonderful, which isn’t shocking; kissing is almost always fun, and Hanna hasn’t been this close to another person in a long time. But it’s not like this is just another pair of lips. This is _Mona,_ and that knowledge is weirdly a turn on in ways Hanna can’t pinpoint. Especially after two real glasses of champagne and one imaginary one. Especially with Mona’s mouth and hands warming Hanna up from the inside out, holding her steady against the chilly night air.

Mona breaks contact first. Hanna thinks it’s just to get some air, or maybe even to suggest they move back inside the car, but Mona quickly drops her hands from Hanna’s face, putting as much space between them as the hood of the car will allow. She has some hair in her eyes that Hanna instinctually wants to tuck behind Mona’s ear, but she stops herself. Mona is breathing shakily, staring straight ahead, her fingers gripped together tightly in her lap.

Hanna waits for an explanation that doesn’t come. “What just happened?” she asks when the silence becomes unbearable.

“You kissed me,” Mona replies evenly, not looking at Hanna.

“Yeah. And you kissed back,” Hanna points out. “Should I not have done that?”

Mona doesn’t say anything, and if Hanna didn’t know any better, she’d think Mona had just been through a horrific experience. Mona’s often hard to read, but Hanna would swear she enjoyed the kiss.

“We should head back,” Mona says finally. “I know you were planning to sleep over, but how about I just drive you home, okay?”

“ _Mona_ ,” Hanna pleads, needing something—anything—resembling an answer.

But Mona has a particular knack for avoiding questions. “Let’s get in the car. It’s cold.”

Hanna does as she’s told. She doesn’t exactly have a choice. Mona won’t make eye contact with her. The drive back seems longer, darker. No longer filled with the anticipation of the night ahead, but instead heavy with everything they’re not saying. 

As they pass the “Welcome to Rosewood” sign, Hanna murmurs, “I wouldn’t have done that if I knew it was going to upset you.”

“It didn’t upset me,” Mona insists.

“Liar.”

That at least earns her a side-eye, which feels like progress. “Why did you do it?” Mona asks.

“Kiss you?”

Mona nods.

“I don’t know,” Hanna answers honestly. It sounds too flippant, so she adds, “I guess I just wanted to.”

Mona sighs, flexing her fingers against the steering wheel. “You’re exploring your identity, I get it. Experimentation is—”

“You are _not_ an experiment,” Hanna interjects. That much she’s sure of.

Mona grows quiet again, but her posture seems slightly more relaxed. Maybe that answer pleased her. Part of Hanna longs to discuss more, to figure out what exactly their interaction meant. She doesn’t know how it happened, but somewhere along the way Mona became the only person who Hanna can talk to. 

But Hanna worries about saying the wrong thing, about further messing up whatever fragile bond the two of them have rebuilt. So she doesn’t say anything, not until Mona pulls up outside her house. She parks the car, gaze trained on a street lamp in front of them.

“Are you going to look at me?” Hanna asks softly.

Mona does, eventually. Hanna looks into her eyes, seeing hurt, confusion, anger and maybe a little bit of hope, buried underneath it all.

“What do you want, Hanna?” Mona asks.

“I want to turn the clock back an hour, to when you were speaking to me,” Hanna answers.

“Would you take back the kiss?”

“No,” Hanna replies. “Would you?”

Mona shakes her head, mouth quirking into a small, sad half-smile. “It was good. It was just—”

“Confusing?” 

Mona’s eyes narrow, as though that doesn’t quite capture it. “You could say that.”

Hanna runs a hand through her hair. “I’m sorry for making things messy,” she sighs.

“I’m guilty of doing that long before tonight,” Mona murmurs. She nods toward Hanna’s house. “You should go inside. It’s late.”

“What happens tomorrow?” Hanna asks.

“It’s a new year,” Mona replies. “And people get started on their resolutions.”

Hanna rolls her eyes. “With us, I mean.”

Mona arches an eyebrow, a bit challenging. “What do you want to have happen?” she asks again.

Hanna considers that. Everything in her brain is a big mess. It reminds her of the time her skirt with the gold fringe ended up on the floor of her closet for months, and when she eventually found it the strands were so tangled that she had to start cutting them apart. By the time she was finished the skirt was completely unwearable, and she ended up throwing the material in the trash.

“I want to be your friend,” Hanna answers. “But I think I want to kiss you again. And I’m not sure how those two things can be true at the same time.”

“It doesn’t matter how,” Mona says softly. “They just can be. You have some stuff to figure out.”

“What do _you_ want?” Hanna asks.

Mona glances at her pointedly, then shakes her head. “You still don’t get it, do you?” She sounds frustrated, possibly on the verge of tears.

The expression on her face makes Hanna feel a lump start to form in her own throat. She _does_ get it, in a way. She notices the way Emily looks at Alison. She just got very good at pretending not to notice that Mona was looking at her the same way.

“I shouldn’t have—” Mona begins, but she cuts herself off.

Hanna fiddles with the door handle. She doesn't know what else to say, and she doesn't trust herself not to burst into tears. When Mona still refuses to look at her, Hanna opens the car door and whispers, "Goodnight."

“Goodnight,” Mona echoes quietly. 

Hanna's mom is surprised to see her. “I have a bad headache,” she lies. “I wanted to sleep in my own bed.”

“Too much champagne?” Ashley asks suspiciously.

“Yeah,” Hanna says. “It was all just too much.”

\--

Hanna is touching up her makeup in the bathroom mirror at school when Alison waltzes in like she’s on a mission.

“Hey,” Hanna greets lightly. 

“Hi,” Alison responds. They haven’t really talked since Ali left Hanna’s house, but it’s not like things have been totally icy between the two of them. Mostly, Hanna has observed how jumpy Emily's been around Alison, seeming almost incapable of being in the same space as her.

Hanna finishes applying her lip gloss and puts the cap back on. She fingers one of the black streaks in her hair, still not certain how she feels about it, when she realizes Alison’s eyes are still on her.

“Do you need something?” Hanna asks, turning to face Ali.

Ali crosses her arms. “Maybe an answer or two. What’s going on with you and Mona?”

Hanna’s stomach drops. “What do you mean?”

“Don’t play dumb, Hanna,” Alison instructs, sounding vaguely annoyed. “We both know you’re too smart for that. You and Mona have been hanging out again, and I heard you spent New Year’s Eve together.”

“Where’d you hear that from?”

Ali shrugs, moving so she can gaze at herself in the mirror. “I’m not the only one people gossip about.” 

Hanna glances up at their side-by-side reflections. At least right now, she doesn’t see the resemblance everyone is so quick to point out. 

“We’re friends,” Hanna says by way of explanation. “I can be friends with her and with you guys.”

“Have you told the others?”

Hanna shakes her head, thinking that this is what Ali lives for: knowing a secret about Hanna that none of their other friends do. She collects secrets like some people collect beautiful art, keeping them hidden until the precise moment when she reveals them to the world.

“I haven’t done anything to Mona,” Alison tells her. “Not recently, at least. And I don’t want you to feel like you have to choose sides.”

“Good,” Hanna says sharply. “Because I’d choose her.” The ferocity and immediacy of the words surprise her, but in that instant she knows them to be true.

Alison must be surprised too, because she looks away from her own reflection, making eye contact with Hanna in the mirror. “Glad to know where your loyalties lie.”

Hanna huffs out a breath. “This isn’t about loyalty. I’m not looking to start World War III, and neither is Mona. This is about someone who understands me. Better than I understand myself.”

Ali’s eyebrows lift in wonder. “Oh my god,” she murmurs. “It isn’t just friendship, is it?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Hanna mutters self-consciously, drawing her arms closer around herself.

Alison shakes her head in disbelief. “That crazy bitch finally got everything she ever wanted.”

“Don’t call her that!” Hanna snaps, pointedly ignoring the second part of that sentence.

Ali turns away from the mirror, facing Hanna. “Hon, far be it for me to tell you who to love.”

 _Never stopped you before_ , Hanna thinks, but instead she says, “I’m not in love with her.” It’s the truth. Or, it should be the truth. But Hanna immediately gets that awful sick feeling in her stomach that she feels whenever she lies to her mom.

Alison’s gaze gets a little warmer and less bemused. “I’m not trying to make this hard for you, I promise. We can’t help who we fall for.” She tilts her head to the side. “Y’know, your face can really pull off any hairstyle.” With that Ali turns on her heel, letting the bathroom door swing shut behind her.

Hanna takes one last look in the mirror. She’s still confused. But for the first time in a long time, she thinks she might recognize the person staring back at her.

\--

Maybe Mona isn’t the only person who understands her, Hanna comes to realize. She talks to Emily, finally, about fashion and coming out, about happiness and finding someone to have it with. They discuss Ali, and—whether Emily knows it or not—they discuss Mona, too. And it does make Hanna feel better.

Especially when Emily tells her, with absolute conviction, “We love Hanna. Nobody cares who you’re with.”

\--

Hanna avoids Mona for exactly eleven days, and then she can’t take it any more. There are certain things they’re just going to have to figure out together, so one night after she’s done with her homework, she calls Mona.

To her simultaneous delight and dread, Mona answers. “So,” Mona says as a greeting, “what have you determined?”

Hanna takes a deep breath, piecing together the fragmented speech she wrote in her head an hour ago. “I’d like to see you.”

“You see me at school.”

“Not lately,” Hanna points out. “Not since—”

“That wasn’t my choice, Hanna.”

Hanna sighs. “This is a two-way street, okay? You could have talked to me.”

“Honestly, I wasn’t sure you’d reply,” Mona replies, sounding like she might feel a little guilty. “I shouldn’t have been so cold with you the other night. It was my fault for letting it get so far.”

“I liked how far it got,” Hanna admits. “In fact, I would have been okay with it going further.”

Mona is silent, and Hanna likes to image the effect those words may have had on her.

“So, anyway,” Hanna continues, powering through to prevent herself from chickening out. “I want to see you. Not at school. Not with anyone else. I want to do something, just you and me. Maybe see a movie, or get some dinner.”

“That sounds like a date,” Mona remarks.

“Good. I meant it to,” Hanna tells her.

“ _Hanna_ ,” Mona says warningly.

Hanna squares her shoulders, even though Mona can’t see her. “Look, nothing makes much sense to me these days, but everything seems to make more sense when I’m with you."

"I make you feel good about yourself," Mona says. "And I give you a break from Alison."

"No, it's not just that," Hanna insists. "Mona, the the last thing I want to do is hurt you, or lead you on. But I’m sure that I want to try and make something good happen with you."

Mona breathes in audibly. "You don't know what you're signing up for."

"No, I don't," Hanna acknowledges. "And maybe that's a good thing. Even if it’s just friendship again, that would be okay, but—”

“Okay.”

“And I—”

“ _Han_ ,” Mona cuts in. “Okay, I’m in. I’m game to try.”

Hanna feels her heart thud harder in her chest. “Really?”

“Really,” Mona confirms. “I’ll pick you up on Friday around seven, okay?”

“Yeah, that sounds great,” Hanna says, before realizing, “Wait, I asked _you_ out! That means _I’m_ supposed to plan the date and pick you up!”

Mona laughs warmly. “You can do the next one.”

Hanna grins. “Deal.”

\--

When Hanna walks out of her room, Ashley eyes her warily. “I haven’t seen those heels in a while,” Ashley comments. “You’re just going out with Mona, right?”

“Right,” Hanna says nonchalantly. “But she planned something…fancy. I’m supposed to dress up.”

Ashley gives Hanna a look that suggests she isn’t buying it, but she says nothing more about the shoes, instead nodding toward Hanna’s hair. “The black’s almost washed out. Think you’ll dye it again?”

Hanna shakes her head. “No, I liked the way it was before.”

“Me too,” Ashley says with a small smile. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for exploring a new trend. But I want you to feel like yourself.”

“I do,” Hanna assures her, smoothing a hand over her skirt. She may have gone a little overboard; she’d look more at home at a super fancy party than a movie theater. Though Mona being Mona, who knows where the night could end up?

Ashley didn’t seem terribly shocked when Hanna announced that she was hanging out with Mona again. Her reaction surprised Hanna, and when Hanna told her such Ashley merely shrugged and said, “We’ve all done bad things in the past. I wouldn’t want to be judged for the mistakes I made as a sixteen-year-old. Maybe Mona’s changed.”

Ashley doesn’t know just how right she was. Hanna can’t believe how excited she’s been all week, and she practically runs to the front door when she hears a knock. 

“Hey,” she greets softly, going for casual but probably coming across as manically gleeful. It hasn’t been that long, but she’s missed Mona the past two weeks.

“Hi,” Mona replies, taking in Hanna’s outfit. “You look fantastic.”

“Thanks,” Hanna says, feeling a bit shy. Mona herself looks great too, of course, in skintight black pants, boots, and a sweater with tiny pearls around the neckline. She’s holding a small poinsettia plant. “Is that for me?”

Mona shakes her head, like it's obvious. “As if! I know you love roses. This is for your mom.”

Hanna feels her heart melt a little. “You brought something for my mom?”

“Yes,” Mona says with a smile. “And if you let me in I can even give it to her.”

Hanna does just that, stepping aside so Mona can enter the house. Mona brushes against her as she moves, and Hanna feels a pleasant tingle run up her spine. 

“Mona,” Ashley says warmly, coming into the foyer. “Nice to see you.”

“And you too, Mrs. Marin,” Mona replies, extending the plant. “This is for you.”

Ashley’s eyebrows raise as she accepts the gift. “That’s very thoughtful. Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome.” Mona turns to Hanna expectantly. “Ready to go?”

Hanna nods, but Ashley catches her arm before she can go. “What is it?” Hanna asks.

Ashley looks into her eyes questioningly. Like she’s a few steps behind on the punchline to a joke. Then she lets Hanna’s arm go. “Have fun,” she tells her.

Hanna nods, shaking off the feeling of her mom’s piercing gaze. “We will,” Hanna promises, before heading outside to where Mona is waiting for her.

\--

Going on a date with Mona isn’t really all that different from just hanging out with her, except that now Hanna gets to take her hand during the sappy parts of the movie, and when Hanna laughs at the funny parts, she can feel Mona watching her fondly. When Hanna catches her staring, Mona doesn’t immediately look away.

They talk about Alison some, but otherwise Hanna’s friends don’t come up, not until they’re splitting the hot lava cake at the nice restaurant Mona picked out. Or, not so much splitting as Mona is letting Hanna eat all the chocolate lava, and most of the ice cream.

“So,” Mona begins. “Do your friends know what you're up to?”

“Not so much,” Hanna admits, setting down her spoon. “I sort of accidentally came out to Emily. Or she, like, did my coming out for me, or something—”

“We’re _definitely_ circling back to that,” Mona interjects.

“And Alison kind of guessed it. But as for Spencer and Aria… no.”

Mona nods understandingly. “I’m not exactly either of their favorite person. To put it mildly.”

Hanna reaches across the table and takes her hand. If other people in the restaurant take notice, she doesn’t care. “It doesn’t matter if they're upset. They'll get over it." 

Mona smiles slightly, like she appreciates the sentiment but doesn’t entirely buy it. They finish up their meal and Mona drives Hanna home. When she parks outside Hanna flashes back to their last time in this position, but she knows tonight will end differently.

“I had a wonderful time,” Hanna tells her honestly.

“Me too,” Mona says, gazing at Hanna through thick lashes. Hanna doesn’t feel like hesitating, so she goes for it, kissing Mona deeply.

This time, when they pull away, Mona is beaming.

\--

Despite her brave show for Mona, Hanna is nervous as she gets ready for school the next day. She doesn’t want to hide or second-guess herself anymore, so she decides that if Mona is okay with it, she’s going to tell her friends.

Hanna has a plan, or something resembling one. Gather them after school, ask if they can go for coffee, and tell them at their nook in the Brew. Calmly and clearly. It seems like the way to go.

Of course, lunch time rolls around first, and when Hanna notices Mona standing by herself near the vending machines, she just can’t take it. She marches over to her, extending a hand.

“Do you trust me?” she asks.

Mona nods immediately, trailing Hanna back over to her friends’ table. It's a funny thing, Hanna muses: she used to think that Mona was always following her, when in reality Hanna was following Mona without even realizing it.

Now, finally, they know how to walk together at the same time.

“What’s going on?” Spencer asks, eyes narrowing when she sees Mona and Hanna’s clasped hands. Emily’s mouth drops open in recognition, like she _gets it,_  understands the missing piece from her recent conversation with Hanna. Aria looks to Spencer, like maybe she has the answers, then back at Hanna, and Alison actually smiles. Not even in a cruel way. It’s almost encouraging.

Mona squeezes her hand, and Hanna takes a deep breath. She knows her life is about to change, but she isn’t afraid.

“I've figured out some things about myself, and I have something to tell you," Hanna begins. "Mona and I are together. And that means she's one of us now.”


End file.
